Sequels of Absence
by Anne Maria
Summary: Series of New Moon drabbles spanning the months Edward was absent. Different POVs will be covered: Bella, Charlie, Renée, Alice, Esme, Rosalie, possibly more.
1. Calendar Girl

**A/N:** I swear I was trying to study for my finals. But I got sidetracked by Amy Millan's sweet voice (Stars' singer), and then I went to check the lyrics to Calendar Girl, and nearly fell off my chair. The words triggered memories of my own numb days, and it all ended up taking the shape of this drabble. Enjoy. Or cry your heart out – as you please.

**A/N 2:** Endless thanks to my wonderful, creative and patient beta **Essay33**.

**A/N 3:** As promissed, here's an edited version. Thanks to my PTB betas **DreaC** and **HohoCullen**, they've helped this chapter flow a lot more easily :).

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_"January, February, March, April, May I'm alive. June, July, August, September, October I'm alive." – "Calendar Girl", Stars._

Numbness. Blackness. Lethargy. Absolute lack of sight and hearing. The outside world was a sketch of broken lines and blurry colors. I barely registered the constant dampness that had at one time annoyed me so much.

I had no memories. No thoughts. No hope. Nothing but a growing void existed in me anymore. I wondered if, eventually, it would reach critical size and swallow me whole. I wouldn't mind, really. Perhaps then everything would disappear, the numbness included.

Forks's perpetual fog endlessly shrouded my brain. My battered heart had shrunk and vanished into non-existence long ago, and my soul lay in pieces on the forest floor. I'd been a walking empty shell for who knew how long. I wasn't bothering to count the days, to be honest.

The entire world was insignificant to me. There was nothing left, inside or out. Nothing. That was the keyword of my life without _him_.

I had nothing left. I was cracked, hollow, void. Unwanted and worthless.

I was a barren land.

I grabbed my schoolbag from the back of my chair and headed downstairs. This was supposed to be the beginning of another day. To me, it was just the continuation of a long string of nothing at all.


	2. Shrinking Universe

**A/N: **Endless thanks to my PTB betas **HohoCullen **and **Drummer110010101 **for spotting all the bits I missed. Again, this chapter flows a lot more easily with your help. And thanks **HohoCullen **for your kind words about this story!! They mean a lot to me :)

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_"Purposeless survival_  
_Now there's nothing left to die for_  
_So don't struggle to recognise_  
_Now they call it "Heart-felt suicide"_

_Can't you see it's over?_  
_Because you're the god of a shrinking universe"_

_– Muse, "Shrinking Universe"._

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I collapsed on the couch. Dr. Gerandy had just left. He'd been going on about catatonia and need for medical treatment. I'd quite literally shut the door on his face.

My poor baby was in so much pain already, and I was absolutely adrift here. I couldn't figure out what to do. I could hardly think straight these days.

I knew I didn't want her to go. But then, I didn't want her to remain here, at the scene of the crime. I grimaced at my choice of words.

Either way, we would all suffer. But maybe, if she left, she'd have some hope of recovering. If she wasn't here all the time, living among ghosts. She should go somewhere else, somewhere sunny. Somewhere miles away from this wretched town that had done her nothing but wrong.

I'd done it all wrong. I hadn't protected my girl. I hadn't paid attention to the signs until it was too late. I'd let her go too far, get in too deep. She'd fallen in love with that bastard of Cullen. And he'd moved on with his life and left her behind, like I'd feared he would…

My hand actually hovered over my gun. But there was no one here to shoot. There was no one here I could blame for the state Bella was in. No one but myself.

She'd lived with Renée for sixteen years. Sixteen perfectly happy years. I'd only had her for twelve months, and I'd let her life go to ruin.

I could do nothing for my daughter now. If being away from Forks – away from me – made her okay again, then I would at least give her that. I'd call Renée, tell her to come take Bella away.

I actually started towards the kitchen.

Then I heard the screaming. I froze mid-step. My heart stopped for one long second. My brain struggled to understand.

Bella.

Bella was the source of the screeching. Goosebumps erupted along my arms.

It was a ghoulish, unearthly kind of sound. The sound someone would make if their soul was being painfully ripped from their body.

I dashed for the stairs.


	3. Helpless

_"Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not."  
__~ James Joyce._

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Charlie had finally given up and called me, asking me to bring Bella home. It'd been the most appalling conversation of my entire life.

I was sorry for him. He was so obviously unhappy to watch her go. But he sounded really scared. He said Bella wouldn't eat or drink or even get out of bed.

And the dreams… The dreams seemed to be what frightened Charlie the most.

So I'd hopped on a plane, mentally preparing myself to find a demolition zone at Forks. But the scene before my eyes was worse than my worst imagination.

My lively, upbeat daughter was gone. In her place was a broken girl. Her CDs were in the trash can. Her books were neatly ordered on their shelves. She herself was lying lethargically on the bed. Cheerful, active Bella, not moving from her bed. She was scary to look at.

I didn't need to ask what was wrong. It was very clear. It was her soul. Bella's beautiful, kind soul was crushed.

So she'd lied to me, and I'd been right. It wasn't just an infatuation. But that wasn't the most pressing matter right now.

I wasted no time, and started packing her things. I was confident she would heal with time. But definitely not here. This cold and damp place wouldn't help anyone.

If I'd been scared, that was the moment I completely panicked. She started screaming, writhing, throwing her clothes around.

Bella in hysterics. Oh my goodness. How bad was she? How far off the mark was I? She only subdued when I promised I'd let her stay in Forks.

It tore my heart in two. There was no pain worse than walking away from my daughter, leaving her in that state, unable to help. Unable even to hold her hand through hell. It made me feel dreadfully powerless.

I'd never connected so much with Charlie as with that last parting look we exchanged. There were no words I could have said, even if I'd been able to get past the lump in my throat. But he understood all the same. He was her parent, too.

I walked away, but I left my heart in Forks.


	4. Ignite Your Heart

**A/N:** I'm back! Yay! Real life caught up with me, and then PTB took a much needed break, so this story has been on hold forever. I really hope I can finish posting it now.

Thanks a million to my PTB betas **Bella_Barbaric** and **remylebeauishot**. I run out of words to thank PTB for their amazing and selfless work, and my betas for helping me make my stories flow better and improve my writing in general.

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_"Alright, I can say what you want me to,_  
_Alright, I can do all the things you do,_  
_Alright, I'll make it all up for you,_  
_I'm still in love with you,_  
_I'm still in love with you,_

_The hard luck god_  
_You never had a chance you know_  
_Incurable romantics never do_  
_He held the flame I wasn't born to carry."_

_- Stars, "Heart"._

_

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_

The shadows under her eyes were creepy. And she was so skinny and colorless, like my dad's old TV when the signal faded out. She was sorta … translucent. It scared me to think that one of these days I might turn around and find she'd disappeared.

The worst part was the way she hugged her chest sometimes, like she was terrified she'd fall to pieces like a dry flower or something. She seemed so vulnerable, so … breakable. Like if I hugged her too hard, her bones would snap.

I really wanted to know what had messed her up so bad. I had a slight idea, and I was dying to hit the bastard I suspected was behind it. Beat him up real bad. Dude, what kind of jerk dumped a girl like Bella, so warm, so soft; screwed her up so bad, and then ran away?

But at least she seemed to be in slightly better shape lately, something I badly wanted to believe I had to do with. She even smiled and laughed when she was with me. Sometimes I thought Charlie was about to break into a touchdown dance when he saw her like that.

I loved the way her face lit up when she smiled. And how warm her brown eyes could be.

I wanted to run my hand through her chocolate hair that smelled like strawberries, take her in my arms and make her forget, be there for her when she needed me. I wished I could warm up her heart, make her okay so she could feel happy again.

I'd give her whatever she'd take from me. I'd be patient. I'd be obnoxiously persistent. Someday, I knew, that stubborn brain of hers would see daylight, and she'd realize how much she loved me.

In the meantime, I'd be there for her. I'd do my best to fix her. Heck, I was sure things would work out in the end, somehow. Fixing things was something I was good at, and Bella was going to be the most important challenge of my entire life.

Today's date hadn't gone so bad, in spite of that marshmallow Newton. Bella was opening up to me. I wanted to drive her home and kiss her on her porch, but right now I wasn't feeling so hot. Or rather yes, my skin was in flames, and my stomach was queasy.

As I pulled out of her driveway, I promised myself I'd make it up to her tomorrow.


	5. Blind Spot

**A/N:** Have I already said how wonderful **PTB** is? My betas for this chapter were **Bella_Barbaric** and **Say Goodbye Again**, and I'm so happy with how it turned out thanks to their input.

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The girl was evidently loony. Surely everyone must have noticed by now. I hoped so; she needed to have her mask ripped off, so people could see what she really was like and not that saintly façade she put on for show.

Perhaps she'd really lost it at last. Perhaps they would have her committed soon. She looked like she needed it. She sat alone in a corner each single day and sulked for hours.

What the hell was wrong with her, anyway? Yeah, she'd been dumped. Perfect, gorgeous Edward Cullen had moved out of town with his family and, going by appearances, he hadn't even bothered to give her a call in months. Big deal.

Obviously she was taking things to extremes. We'd all been dumped at some point. I myself was still suffering horribly because of Mike's decision that we should only be friends.

And I had to see him every day, sit next to him throughout lunch, and share classes with him. If that wasn't painful, then I didn't know what was.

Surely my pain was as strong as Bella's, yet I wasn't moping all day and ignoring my friends. But oh no, extraordinary Bella Swan likely thought her pain was special, different from that of mere mortals. No one would ever suffer as much as she did.

I rolled my eyes. The chick really liked to play the martyr. She was clearly trying to draw attention using her tragic heroine attitude. Mike's attention, most probably.

Well, I certainly wasn't playing her game. I was not going to let her get the spotlight quite that easily. She was not going to bewitch Mike by acting damsel in distress. Not if I could help it. She could sulk and brood and cry all she wanted.

I turned my back on Bella, swiping my hair over my shoulder. In the same movement, I shifted my position, making sure Mike saw me and only me.


	6. Gentle Eyes

**A/N:** As usual, I want to say a huge thanks to my awesome PTB betas **_Say Goodbye Again_** and **_luinvinial_** . Without PTB I wouldn't be posting this fic.

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Watching Bella at school was so upsetting. She looked lifeless these days, as though all the happiness had been drained from her world. I guessed she'd been much more attached to Edward Cullen than I'd thought.

I wished there was something I could do to help her, but Bella didn't seem to notice the people around her anymore, and I didn't want to pry. Her personal life was private; she should be the one to start a conversation if she needed to talk.

Still, there were moments when she scared me. She never answered anything with other than "yes" or "no," and that only when someone adressed her. She never said anything of her own will, and she wouldn't look people in the eye. I got the sensation that most of the time she wasn't really there.

I bit my lower lip. Had I been too absorbed with Ben? Perhaps she'd needed a friend when Edward left and I hadn't been there for her. But I'd tried to call, she just never picked up the phone anymore.

And I couldn't blame her. I shuddered just to imagine how I would feel if Ben abandoned me and I never saw him again.

Why would Edward do that to Bella in the first place? He'd seem to be a really nice guy, honest and caring. Jess would roll her eyes at me and say, "He got tired of her, obviously," but I considered her opinion on the matter slightly biased. Somehow, I thought there must be some other reason.

There she was again today –gray and with a lost look– sitting alone in the farthest corner of the table. Poor Bella. How could I help her? Maybe letting her be was the best way. Maybe she needed time, and she would eventually snap out of it by herself. Maybe some sort of miracle would happen and she would smile again.


	7. Bereft

**A/N: **Endless thanks to my PTB betas **Melanie Mcsc2008 **and** Say Goodbye Again**. I would have given up on this story long ago if it wasn't for **PTB**'s awesome betas!**  
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_If I was damned of body and soul,_  
_I know whose prayers would make me whole,_  
_Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine._  
_~Rudyard Kipling._

My son was gone. A nightmare I had hoped never to relive. He had left us once before, during the days when there were just the three of us. He had broken my heart that time, forcing me to replay the crushing loss of my biological son.

It was excruciating to have to go through this yet again. How many times would Carlisle and I have to lose this son? My husband's ever-present peace was shattered. He did mourning of his own, and being head of the family, he also worried about the rest of us.

Jasper blamed himself for the accident at the birthday party. I could see what this was doing to the most perceptive of my children. He was being consumed by his own remorse. If a vampire could turn into a ghost, my son was on his way to it. My unbeating heart bled every time I was near him.

Alice's bright light had been extinguished; her chirping laughter hadn't graced us in too long. She never spoked of shopping trips or extravagant parties anymore. The impish spirit that kept us all hectically active was subdued.

Emmett's buoyant sense of humor was missing, too. His frequently objectionable jokes were absent, and his booming laughter, so different from Alice's yet as beloved, had been silenced since Edward's departure.

Even Rosalie was affected. Although she tried to maintain a cool demeanor, I could see through the cracks in my complex daughter's aloof façade.

I myself was torn. I couldn't tell what hurt me more, my missing son or the breach that had been wrought in our family.

I tried to keep a tranquil countenance for my children's and my husband's sakes, but I broke down when no one was watching. There was a hollow in my chest that not even Carlisle's love could heal, and knowing that his grief was as vast as mine only wounded me further.

Yet, all we could do was hold onto each other and hope against hope that this painful situation would somehow sort itself out. I wanted to believe my dear Edward would still get his happy ending…somehow.

"Come back home, son," I whispered to the empty room.


	8. Responsibility

**A/N:** Thanks to my **PTB** betas **ChocolateMango** and **Sweetishbubbe** for helping me get this posted at last.

**A/N 2:** This chapter is told from Carlisle's POV.

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I was deeply sorry for everything that was happening to my family. I was sorry for my wife's sorrow, my son Jasper's unjustified remorse, Emmett's silence, Alice's pained expression. I was sorry for having disrupted Isabella's life, for having brought her into our world only to cause her pain.

And yet, as much as I loved every member of my family and was grieving for them, there was one whose pain was even more unendurable. Edward's self-imposed punishment was the heaviest of all the burdens I carried, because his penitence was my fault.

I had stolen his human life many years ago, and I had hoped that, with time, he would come to terms with the darker aspects of his being. I allowed myself to believe my hopes were coming true when Isabella made her entrance into his life. It appeared that, at long last, he was finding some peace of mind. She seemed to make him more at ease with himself, bring out his human side, unafraid as she was of everything concerning our nature.

But things took a terrible turn. Isabella had gotten hurt because of what we were. First, an outsider very nearly put an end to her young life. Even though he failed, he wounded her atrociously. And then, the worst case scenario unfolded at the worst possible time. Jasper lost his hard-earned control in front of Isabella, and that was more than my son Edward could take. That she would be put in jeopardy by his own family, by our nature, I knew, was his greatest fear.

Having to keep the one he loved away from his family because she was not safe among them tore him apart for months. Having to walk away from her because of what we were, because of what he was, was going to be his undoing. How could so many things go wrong for him? Were the fates holding a grudge against my dear child?

But I did not fool myself thinking there was such thing. Each and every misfortune that had befallen Edward was my responsibility. I did not know what I could have done differently; I always acted out of love in any matter that concerned him. I changed him to save him. I taught him everything I knew, loved him like my own. But, at some point, I failed him. I failed Isabella. I failed my entire family, and their pain was nothing but my doing.


	9. Puzzle

**A/N:** Thanks to my **PTB** betas **Erica (Writting2StayHalfSane)** and **Bella_Barbaric**.

**A/N 2:** Chaper 9 is Emmett POV.

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This situation sucked. It was utter stupidity. It wasn't like I'd never said the kid existed on the brink of insanity, and I couldn't say I was shocked by his drastic decisions either. But this … this was too much. He'd gone far too far this time.

Leaving Forks'd been the first step in his madman's path. And we'd tagged along, of course. That's what family was about. But that didn't mean I agreed with his choices, or even understood them.

Where was the sense in being masochistic? Why tear yourself apart from the person you loved most in the entire universe? I knew what love felt like for us. I knew the intensity of my feelings for Rose. I also knew that being away from her was the only thing that could kill me. If my brother felt only a tenth of this for Bella, the least that could be expected was that the boy was on his way to a madhouse by now.

Leaving the family had been his second and, as of yet, most insane decision. If you've already ditched the love of your existence, why walk away from the only people who could comfort you?

Most of the time, my little brother was a huge puzzle for me. A three million pieces puzzle forming the picture of a cloudy sky. One of those unsolvable ones designed to drive people nuts.

I heard a distant, yet crystal-clear sound. Mom was sobbing. Again. Puzzles were also known to make people really mad and kinda violent, right?

I would have dragged Edward's irresponsible butt back home so we could all be happy again long ago. But, since tiny Alice wouldn't let me, I had to vent my pent-up frustration somehow. The forest trees were definitely up for some thinning today.


	10. Remorse

**A/N:** Thanks to my **PTB** betas **Edwardsfavoritebrunette** and **Akila (babykay16)** for their input and their encouragement. **PTB** betas are awesome!

Chapter 10 is Jasper POV.

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My brother's absence was my responsibility. The fact that my family was torn was my responsibility. The grief rolling off of Esme in waves was my responsibility.

Carlisle's preoccupation, Emmett's forlorn attitude … even Rosalie felt distressed on occasion. She could try to hide from the others, but she couldn't lie to me. Nonetheless, I kept her secret. Cullen code: we kept each other's secrets. Otherwise, it would have been impossible to coexist, what with the future-seeing, the empathy, and the mind-reading - which wasn't there anymore, because of me.

This, at least, was a part of our family code I could hold true to. I had already broken the first and foremost rule by far and large: don't hurt your family.

I had wounded each and every member of our clan. The only consolation I had was that, if it was true that my nature had caused such vast grief, it was also true that that very nature was punishing me tenfold. I had to deal with my own remorse, and also cope with the sorrow of my siblings and parents.

I bore it all in silence. I knew I deserved it.

Alice's silent pain was the worst. Being the seer, she couldn't allow herself to crumble to pieces. She knew that if she did, everyone else would, too. Because if she had no hope, it meant there was no hope left, for any of us.

She hadn't told me any of this, of course. I was the last person she would confess to. She wouldn't want to hurt me further, burden me with her despair.

But I knew, and she knew that I knew. It was just a topic we didn't broach. A silent pact of comfort. We went through our days mostly in silence lately. We were afraid that anything we said would send us into a grief overload.

I tried to ease my family's suffering as much as I could, carry my share and theirs. But it was just too much. No matter how hard I tried, we all still felt it.

I wished I could at least apologize to Edward in some way. But an ocean of grief stretched between us, and if I knew my brother, he was not going to bridge it anytime soon.


	11. The Ghost of Pain to Come

**A/N:** I know in the New Moon extra Miscalculation (which can be found on Stephenie's site) Rosalie states that Alice didn't seem to be suffering as the rest of them were, because she was living in the future. But in my opinion, Rosalie didn't know Alice very well ;). Jasper knows her better.

**A/N 2:** Thanks to my **PTB** betas **EvilPumpkin** and **LoriAnnTwiFan**. PTB, you make writing easier and awesome :).

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"Idiot, idiot, idiot," I chanted, seemingly to the forest trees.

In truth, it was my brother's neck I wanted to snap.

Despair. He had doomed us all to an eternity of despair and desolation. I could see him, martyring himself in a rundown attic somewhere in the most sordid regions of Rio.

"Stubborn jerk," I muttered. All I could discern in our future, for months and years and ages to come, was the same devastating, numbing state of hopeless grief. And this was eating Jasper up. He hadn't smiled in six months. Esme's and Carlisle's sorrow was destroying my sensitive husband's soul.

"Agh." I could have dragged ludicrous Edward by the neck all the way back home. But I knew it wouldn't do any good. He was in no state to be around other people, not even his family. Perhaps least of all his family. He was suffering more than all the rest of us put together.

I whimpered, laying my head in my hands in a very human gesture of anguish and misery.

There was nothing I could do. Nothing. I was rendered completely useless. My gift did nothing for me, except add the pain of the future to that of the present.

I had to watch helplessly as my family crumbled apart, and my brother's soul cracked anew every minute.

If only I could trust that small percentage of possibility that he would change his mind… If only he would admit the obvious, that he was fighting an absurd and losing battle, and go back to Bella…

I hated it all: feeling useless, my family's agony, my brother's self-inflicted, vain torture, Jasper's remorse.

And still, tick-tock, tick-tock, the hours mercilessly drifted by. When being oblivious to the passage of time would have been most convenient for us, we were aware of every second as we had never been before.

Pain and grief. Grief and pain. That was all there was left. Always and forever.


	12. A Thorn in the Side

**A/N:** Thanks to my **PTB** betas for this chapter, **.x** and **Edwardsfavoritebrunette**.

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Chagrin washed through me for the first time in my entire existence. It burned almost as angrily as the venom-induced fire. And I wanted to escape it just as badly.

I was hiding away, not wanting to be found for a wide range of reasons. First and foremost, I didn't fancy being seen in this condition. I knew my pride wouldn't survive the shame of having others know that I was terribly sorry for what I'd done. I didn't want to be sorry.

How could I have known that deranged Edward cared so much for his plain human girlfriend that he wouldn't want to live without her? Hadn't he abandoned her already? Edward never made any sense.

It infuriated me that my mother and father, two of the few people who loved me unconditionally, were now being put through the worst kind of heartbreak they would ever endure: not knowing if their son would ever come back home.

Worst of all, I was sorry that the insignificant human girl I'd underestimated and despised all this time was the one fixing the mess I'd caused. She was the one selflessly risking her human life by throwing herself in the midst of a murderous coven of vampires. Which, given her magnetism for disaster, had every chance of turning into a massacre.

I'd rather have walked into a bonfire than let anyone know how I felt. And I hated the guilt – it was so unlike me. I wasn't the kind of person who beat herself up for doing what needed to be done. I did it, and that was that.

Damn Edward and his theatrical tendencies for getting me into this state. Why couldn't the fool just come back home and let things be, take up where we'd left off before the human showed up, move away and be a family again? Selfish Edward, always so full of himself, eternally letting his needs come first.

But still, a nagging little voice whispered, I didn't know how I was going to live with myself if he died because of what I'd done. A fresh wave of the corrosive chagrin burned my insides every time I pictured one of the many scenarios that could unfold, all of which ended with the Volturi shredding him to pieces.

I wished, uncharacteristically, that I could sleep for a few hours. Disappear. Fade into oblivion. Immortality and awareness were a curse, more now than ever.


End file.
